Jackie Bullard, Murfreesboro, TN“When my doctor told me I could
never have children as a result
of my abortion I was devastated.”
That day I knew I had taken the life of the only child I would ever carry. I was twenty-five and running wild when I learned I was pregnant. The father of my baby had moved away, and I was alone and desperate. I told no one except my best friend who drove me to the Planned Parenthood abortion facility in Nashville in 1984. I chose the easy way out, so I thought at the time.
I’ll remember that day for the rest of my life. The room was cold as was the staff. There was no empathy, counseling, or personal medical attention.
I felt like a piece of meat on an assembly line, as girls were shuffled in and out of the room. They offered me no anesthesia, no medication, or even a hand to hold.
I knew I had made a mistake as soon as I heard the sucking sound of the vacuum, but it was too late to change my mind.
I remember looking over at the jar and seeing it filling up with skin, blood, and tissue of my baby. I told the nurse I was going to throw up – and she told me, “Just be quiet.” I was never the same again.
A few days later while at work, I began cramping, bleeding, and running a fever – all due to an incomplete abortion. I had to leave work immediately to seek medical attention.
Parts of the baby were left inside of me, resulting in a major infection, and then an emergency D and C to scrape out the remains in my uterus.
A year later around the date of my abortion, panic attacks began. I thought I was losing my |
mind. I became very depressed and tried to kill myself by taking an entire bottle of pain pills, and I was unconscious for three days. I was home alone.
A therapist worked with me for a year, but never touched on the painful experience of the abortion.
After years of drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sex, I knew my life had to change. I moved out of the city, married a wonderful man, attended church and we gave our hearts to Jesus.
We started trying to get pregnant, but something was wrong. The fertility clinic determined I was sterile due to the tremendous scar tissue damage from the abortion.
I wanted to die. I could not be around babies or go to any baby showers. I felt like digging a hole and dying. I was in a deep clinical depression. No one told me I would ever feel this way.
I refused to consider adoption until one day I was crying at the altar and a two year old little girl put her arms around me and told me she loved me. At that moment I knew I could love someone else’s child as my own. The healing began … God was not through with me yet.
One night at a women’s conference, God purged me and freed me of all the guilt and shame. He gave me freedom and forgiveness, removing me from my personal prison.
After the spiritual metamorphosis I returned home to a call from the adoption agency, and my beautiful five-month old bi-racial daughter, Arabella, came home to live with us. The joy was indescribable. I came to realize that in God’s amazing sovereignty, He sees the big picture when we only see the snapshot.
Soon after my healing I became a crisis pregnancy counselor, and I am now the leader of the post abortion recovery ministry in Murfreesboro, TN.
I want to tell those who are damaged by abortion, there is hope. God wants to heal you and set you free.
www.operationoutcry.org |
