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I thought I could end the torment of the dilemma by having an abortion. What I found out is that I entered into a much greater torment of depression, grief, and guilt. This torment lasted over 10 years of my life.
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I had a saline abortion in the second trimester of my pregnancy in 1983. During the first trimester, I had planned to carry to term. I was single, had just finished college, and I was alone and scared.
One day the fear overtook me. I scheduled an abortion in a local hospital the next morning. The same physician who was my obstetrician became my son’s executioner. No questions were asked as to my obvious ambivalence, and I was not offered any counsel on alternatives to abortion. I was not given any information regarding either medical or psychological risks.
I thought I could end the torment of the dilemma by having an abortion. What I found out is that I entered into a much greater torment of depression, grief, and guilt. This torment lasted over 10 years of my life. I was so emotionally debilitated that I was unable to focus on completion of tasks or to accomplish goals. My motivation was so severely reduced that I lost my business and most of my possessions. I was isolated in the shame of my pain, and I did not know that what I was experiencing was common to other women who had aborted their babies. I had the distinct feeling that I was losing my mind. I suffered such severe depression that it led to two suicide attempts. It is nothing short of a miracle that I am here today. I believe my life was spared for this very reason: that I might stand before other women and say,
“Abortion Hurts Women.”
There were certain factors in my life predisposing me to psychological trauma. These factors were not known then. Now they are well known and are documented in scientific studies. Among the factors that affected me were:
- I had had a previous abortion
- This was a second trimester abortion
- I felt ambivalent about the decision
- I had no support of parents or partners
- I had several other unresolved grief issues
If I had known that my life and circumstances were putting me into such great risk of trauma, I definitely would not have made the choice. I really wanted my baby. What I really needed was help to get started as a mother.
I am now a productive responsible citizen, but I spent about 10 years of my life trying to numb the pain of my abortion through drugs, alcohol, and unhealthy relationships. It affected my ability to trust, it impacted my future marriage, and it affected my parenting of the three daughters birthed within my marriage. In 1990, I had a spiritual awakening, and realized exactly what the abortions had been. Jesus permeated my darkness. I found Him to be alive and real. He has been my healer. He has been my freedom from the hell I experienced from abortion.
Roe v. Wade has hurt women. It has hurt America. I want to see abortion end in America!
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Rhonda Arias is the founder and director of Oil of Joy for Mourning. OJFM conducts postabortion recov-ery training seminars in Texas and acts as a support base for the recovery ministries it certifies. Oil of Joy also ministers to women in six Texas correctional units, and has had over 1,000 inmates participate in its post-abortion recovery programs since 2000.
